In the Garden

To be ignored is often harder than being hurt by someone else.

If someone hurts you, at least they have given you an acknowledgement that you exist. But if they don’t care about you or they try to pretend you don’t exist, often that hurts more.

We are created to be in relationship. God from the very beginning said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.”

And yet, as mankind we don’t trust God. From the very first time, as Satan tempted Eve, he asked the question of mankind, “Did God actually say, ‘You shall not eat of any tree in the garden’?” And he continues on a few verses later, “You will not surely die. For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”

The devil continues to lie to us. We think that we are okay on our own. We think we can fulfill all our needs alone. We don’t need to trust God. He is out to get us, even as the devil said and continues to say.

We weren’t meant to live alone. We aren’t meant to live lonely lives. God designed us to live in relationship.

Oh God, may you work in my heart, that I might desire to know and to be known. To be filled with love for you, and those around me.

That I might hear the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and that I might run to Him. And walk with Him, in the garden in the cool of the day.


To Love; To Lust

To love is to care for another and not for one’s own gain or to fulfill one’s own desires. To love is to be there for those who are in your life. To love is about having thoughts filled with love for others. To love is considering others needs and desires more significant than yourself. To love is to care not only for my own interests but also for the interests of others. To love is to love when it is hard to love. To love is to be patient with others who are irritating and annoying. To love is to be kind to those who are mean and rude. To love is to rejoice at the holiness that is sprouting in my brother’s or sister’s life and to not rejoice at their sin. To love is to have hope that God can save even the worst of sinners.

Occasionally I think love is what I feel when I am attracted to another person whether physically or emotionally but often that is just lust. A longing to be given that which I desire. Rather, love is more an affection for another and a desire to give with nothing expected in return. It keeps going while lust burnt out years ago. It brings beauty to this world and to the lives of others.


Old Me; New Me

What is it to grow up? To change?

I haven’t changed much in 9 years. Yes, I work a little harder. I dream a little less. I read a little more. I travel a little less. I work out a little more. I watch movies a little less.

But overall, I am pretty much the same person. The entries I have made are still often exhortations to myself. I read my posts and still say ouch. I still don’t follow my own advice. However, I am grateful for the young one who wrote those words 9 years ago.

One of the longest journeys in life that we take is the journey of knowledge as it makes its way from your mind and begins to embed itself in your heart, becoming wisdom. It’s a long journey and for many they never make it.

I think that is because my heart is broken. Cracked or smashed like a piece of pottery that has fallen to the ground and shattered. I have tried to take that broken little heart and stuff knowledge into it. Which is fruitless, as all this knowledge that has flowed into my little heart just rushes through the cracks at the bottom.

This is because the heart defies logic. And it has needs that often contradict the knowledge or logic that one believes. One of those needs is the need for our heart to be satisfied. We want our heart longings to be satisfied and as I read the posts of a teenager from 9 years ago I see that longing.

It’s easy to look in all the wrong places for that satisfaction. Consider some of the most important to our culture today.

  • Alcohol or drugs.
  • Body Image.
  • Entertainment.
  • Exercise.
  • Experiences. Often through travel or fun activities.
  • Family.
  • Gaming.
  • Houses, cars, or boats.
  • Money.
  • Sex: Whether IRL, in or outside of marriage, or virtual through pornography or erotica.
  • Work.

And I am sure there are several others. But these are probably the ones I have thought about most. And all these things do fill our hearts. They fill them up so that we can’t see that which is eternal. We distract ourselves for the moment with the pleasure that they bring. They bring great pleasure, yet when the pleasure ends, the pain just comes right back.

Today I realize more than ever that Jesus is the answer for the broken heart. It is not in saving oneself as I have tried to do 1,001 times. We are created to consider eternity and none of these things can fill a heart that considers and wonders about eternity. Our lives are short and fragile and that which is material only lasts as long as that material continues to exist.

Jesus says, “Come to Me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”

Today I am the same as I was yesterday except for the love that Jesus pours into my heart. And that love is a glue that begins to bring all those little broken pieces back together one at a time.

“And I will give them one heart, and a new spirit I will put within them. I will remove the heart of stone from their flesh and give them a heart of flesh, that they may walk in my statutes and keep my rules and obey them. And they shall be my people, and I will be their God.”


Time Stops for No Man

She sat alone. In a world filled with seven billion people, she sat surrounded by silence. Every moment of her life was flitting before her eyes. She tried to remember the past. All the days, all the happy moments, and all the sad ones. She knew who she was, but no one knew her. No one really knew her. Her dreams, her aspirations, they were all hidden in the fear that overcomes the dreams she once had as a child.

But for today, she felt the pain of a dream that would only ever be a dream. The music playing inside her head never realized beyond the walls of her own mind. It was just too much. Too much pain to go on. Too much fear to overcome.

Time wasn’t waiting for her. And it waits for none of us. But the pain to continue is sometimes just too much.

For now.


Life Is More Than Blogging?!

I’m sorry for not writing my blog. 🙁 The last 2 1/2 weeks have had 4 conferences in them, and that doesn’t allow me to let my creative juices flow. And any time in the last week that I’ve had to write I’m trying to use to write a song, so *cough* sorry. But I think this song is going to be fairly interesting, so it’ll all be worth it long term. I apologize for abandoning you all.

But, you know I have to be frank with you. I don’t really enjoy blogging. :-/ I enjoy hanging out with my family and friends. I like my over the top and having a little (cough) loud Skype calls with friends/gamecasting. I like awkward moments when my sister and I get caught dance-daring. I like talking to strangers. Making music videos and creating stupid videos with others. Talking with my dad. Having fun and hopefully (o.0) edifying conversations. And overall, just spending time with people.

Life is so much more than writing a blog that really only a couple hundred people read. And I think it is important to write and come to an understanding of how life works by thinking through your posts and such. But when I spend all this time writing stuff that is mostly a bunch of immature and dumb posting, I don’t see the point. If people took the time they spent reading my blog and instead read Rushdoony, Calvin, and other great men in history they would grow so much more.

I’m way more of an extrovert than an introvert. And that’s a large part of it. But relationships drive specificity, and I feel blogs don’t really lend themselves very well to relationships. And that kind of applies to the whole internet in general.

But, I’ll keep writing blogs, so you don’t have to unfollow me. /-P




There are many messed up people in this world. People who have been abused, those who have abused, those who are sexually destroyed, those who are liars, those who are murderers, etc. And I think at times we can give up on these people. Those who we are close to you who you spend lots of time with who hate God and any morals that Christianity requires can oftentimes be the most discouraging. But I think we need to remember that Jesus came for the murderers, adulterers, thieves, and the rest of the sins we commit. The thief who was dying on the cross next to Jesus was given salvation just before he died. There is always hope and there is strength in the blood of Christ.



All of us are constantly moving. Our views are moving, our skills are moving, our walk with Christ is moving, etc.

The question is really, where are they going? Are they going towards Christ, or away from Christ? Are we losing important skills and gaining non-essential ones? Just remember that you need to think critically about these things. You don’t want to wake up someday and wonder what happened to you.


Sunday Scriptures

My son, if thou wilt receive my words, and hide my commandments with thee; So that thou incline thine ear unto wisdom, and apply thine heart to understanding; Yea, if thou criest after knowledge, and liftest up thy voice for understanding; If thou seekest her as silver, and searchest for her as for hid treasures; Then shalt thou understand the fear of the LORD, and find the knowledge of God. ~ Proverbs 2:1-5


Sunday Scriptures

“See, I am setting before you today a blessing and a curse: the blessing, if you obey the commandments of the Lord your God, which I command you today, and the curse, if you do not obey the commandments of the Lord your God, but turn aside from the way that I am commanding you today, to go after other gods that you have not known. ~ Deuteronomy 11:26-28


What Is It?

What is your life going to be about? There’s a million things that your life can be about. Wine collecting, rat killing, prairie dog preservation (lol), family, government, church, etc. We are all going to be a combination of some of these things, but all of us are going to have our own specific area. That’s why you can’t say everyone has to be just like you. God created all of us with different gifts and abilities that we should use and not bury under the ground. Many of us can pine away with wanting what we can’t have or are not in a stage of life to be able to act on those aspirations.

Rather than wandering through life being pushed from one place to another, let’s live life purposefully. Just because you could do a million things doesn’t mean you have the ability to do a million things. Try to find something and make it yours. Become good at something. Work hard. Love others. Love God.

Sorry, kind of rambly. I’m tired. >_< Zzzzz